Postpartum Rage: ‘A Better Mother’
This is, by far and away, the thing about my journey in motherhood that brings me the most shame. When I think about it, I have a visceral response- I close my eyes for a second, my chest tightens, my breathing becomes shallow. Logically, I know I shouldn’t feel shame. But I also know that there is a small place for it, because I did not address it when I should have. I let it get the better of me on numerous occasions. And it is always, always, related to sleep.
My son had split nights often, and struggled with sleep into toddlerhood. During those nights, I would start to feel that frustration build, that hot sensation creeping up my neck. I would sometimes yell or slam the door. In those moments, I was anything but the calm and attuned mother that I usually was able to be. And in all of my time since then, I rarely see it spoken about. Or when I do, it is usually something about the existence of postpartum rage, some facts about it, but not so much the real life symptoms of someone who experienced it. The details, the nitty gritty. The raw, relatable truth from one mother to another. I think because it is isolating and we don’t want to share it, for the fear that another mother might think
“How could she ever feel angry with her baby?”
“How could she ever slam the door to her baby’s room in the middle of the night?”
We hide these things deep within us because we feel like a ‘better mother’ would never feel that way. A ‘better mother’ would never have those thoughts. A ‘better mother’ would never voice those thoughts. A ‘better mother’ would never let her anger control her.
But that’s not true. What is true is that we need to tell someone about these feelings. Holding them in makes everything, and I mean everything, that much harder. I know, it sounds trite and cliche. But lean on your spouse if you have one. If you can’t or don’t have one, find someone to talk to. Talk to me. I’m not saying this will fix everything, but I think I would have found comfort knowing that I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t a bad mom. I wasn’t always going to feel this way. I would find my way out, I would find what triggered me, and likewise, find what helped calm me down.
If you’ve read this far, know that you are not alone. You are not bad. You are wonderful. Chances are, you are so wonderful that you’ve neglected yourself for the sake of your child. So take a minute to tell yourself something you’ve done well. Something you’re proud of. Tell your baby something you love about them. Remind yourself that this is only one day, one night, one nap, etc. And there is a new day to try again.
And if you need more support, I am here. I have been where you are. I understand you. I will not judge you.
We don’t need another empty “you’ve got this mama” thrown in your face.
We need a—
“Right now it doesn’t feel ok, and that’s ok. You are a good mom. Your baby is a good baby. Your relationship is not made up of this small moment. It is the accumulation of many moments of love, responsiveness, caring, and attention. And if you don’t ‘have this’ right now, I have you”.
